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#1 Martin D

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Posted 04 August 2013 - 07:49 AM

My wife and I have been married for almost a year. In the past 6 months or so, it seems that people are crawling out of the wood work to ask my wife (who is still in the RP) for money. If not money, then asking her to buy them things. It is to the point where she is getting really frustrated and upset. People who were close friends are expecting her to pay for everything. Even family to a small part are doing the same....not close family like Tatay or her brothers, but extended family.

I am currently in Tagum City on my fourth trip here, and I am seeing it a lot as well. People coming right to the house...people we don't even know, asking to borrow 50 peso for rice, or some small quantity for something or other. It's actually become somewhat annoying, and I know that it will only get worse. We are discussing moving to a different neighbourhood, but I told Jonna, that we can move, but things likely won't change.

How have others dealt with this? She asks me why people are being like this, and I point to my skin. Because you are white she asks? Because I am a westerner, and come with western money. But I am not rich. I don't bring enough money to look after all of Mindanao, or even just Tagum City. So how do others deal with this? Any suggestions are greatly appreciated.

#2 Mr. Lee

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Posted 04 August 2013 - 11:42 AM

 While a condo is not for everyone, I have found that at least for us that living in a high-rise condo seems to prevent that.


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#3 W. Thomas

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Posted 04 August 2013 - 02:05 PM

My wife is having the same experiences when she is in her hometown.  It was so bad her Father and Mother were getting angry at the people too.  But she is living in Zamboanga now, so not many people there know about our marriage.  At least the problem and complaints have been fewer.  But then people do not see me there.

 

If they saw me and knew, I am certain it would be the same.  Did not think about the advantages of owning a condo taht way Mr. Lee... I will think about that.  We want to buy land and build a house, but that might be an added benefit.



#4 Fritz

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Posted 04 August 2013 - 02:11 PM

It won't make you popular with the kith & kin in the short run, but establish a reputation as a kuripot kayo kano.  To do so you need to be hardfaced and say no to each request.

 

You should still be ready to help with real need of close relatives, but be aware that each time you do, it will rekindle the hopes of those wanting to tap your wealth

 

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#5 James in Austin Tx

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Posted 04 August 2013 - 03:53 PM

Yes this is something you will have to deal with from now on married to some Filipinas, strangely my wife and her family are NOT that way and never ask for anything which makes you want to help when the need is there.. My previous wife was the "can I borrow, can they borrow" and of course that means - can you give, can you give because you will not be paid back.. There are real needs there but you will be amazed at all the doctor or hospital bills that need paying and friends of the spouse come up with all kinds of situations where they do not have enough money.. Just get thick skinned and help your wife get that way as well.. Good luck, zGod Bless..



#6 rbacon

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Posted 04 August 2013 - 04:08 PM

My wife and I have been married for almost a year. In the past 6 months or so, it seems that people are crawling out of the wood work to ask my wife (who is still in the RP) for money. If not money, then asking her to buy them things. It is to the point where she is getting really frustrated and upset. People who were close friends are expecting her to pay for everything. Even family to a small part are doing the same....not close family like Tatay or her brothers, but extended family.

I am currently in Tagum City on my fourth trip here, and I am seeing it a lot as well. People coming right to the house...people we don't even know, asking to borrow 50 peso for rice, or some small quantity for something or other. It's actually become somewhat annoying, and I know that it will only get worse. We are discussing moving to a different neighbourhood, but I told Jonna, that we can move, but things likely won't change.

How have others dealt with this? She asks me why people are being like this, and I point to my skin. Because you are white she asks? Because I am a westerner, and come with western money. But I am not rich. I don't bring enough money to look after all of Mindanao, or even just Tagum City. So how do others deal with this? Any suggestions are greatly appreciated.

You and your wife are putting yourselves in an area and social setting which attracts this unfavorable attention.  What you are experiencing is not typical of foreigners (with their Filipina wives) who live privately and resist locals being too friendly to them.

 

You cannot control beggars on the street who ask for handouts.  But your wife should serve as a buffer against relatives and neighbors intruding on your privacy this way.  If you allow it to continue, it is a fine line between being a "generous foreigner" and becoming a target for thieves.

 

My wife's family, who have businesses in their home town with lots of daily contact with locals who come in off the street, have these solicitations on a daily basis because of their exposure and involvement in local politics.  I asked them why they tolerate it.  I was told that they have to give "something" to many of these people, if only a few pesos, or they would return and "throw rocks at the house."

 

-Ray B



#7 Martin D

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Posted 04 August 2013 - 04:22 PM

Part of the problem is the house we rent. There is no privacy wall here, and other than some tall plants that Jonna planted to give us some privacy, there isn't much. So people walking down the street can see us easily, so this makes us an easy target for people wanting a piece of the pie.

But the former close friends and distant relatives...that's another story. I have no problem lending her direct family money. I have always lent them money, and always been re payed, with no issues. None of her brothers want a handout..they are a very proud family...but it's everyone else. It's to the point where Jonna has very few friends now, because she feels they only want her to provide for them, and not because they only want her friendship. And I can't help but feel somewhat responsible.

#8 rbacon

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Posted 04 August 2013 - 06:11 PM

Part of the problem is the house we rent. There is no privacy wall here, and other than some tall plants that Jonna planted to give us some privacy, there isn't much. So people walking down the street can see us easily, so this makes us an easy target for people wanting a piece of the pie.

But the former close friends and distant relatives...that's another story. I have no problem lending her direct family money. I have always lent them money, and always been re payed, with no issues. None of her brothers want a handout..they are a very proud family...but it's everyone else. It's to the point where Jonna has very few friends now, because she feels they only want her to provide for them, and not because they only want her friendship. And I can't help but feel somewhat responsible.

Martin,

 

If this is intolerable and continues, my advice is to have your vacations (or permanent base) somewhere else.

 

My Filipina wife has been with me here in California for 22 years.   About 8 years ago (when she had 14 years here), I received a call while she was out, from someone in the Philippines.  The caller introduced herself as my wife's "best friend," and told me that she needed to borrow (actually, she asked for it as a gift) from my wife.  When I later told me wife about the call, she was ))))))) and didn't call the "friend" back.  My wife told me that this woman was a high school friend and former neighbor who had a hard life, children from a married man, health problems, etc., but that it just wasn't appropriate for that woman to be calling us and telling me of the need for money.

 

A few weeks ago my wife told me she had heard that the "friend" has died of cancer.  She was sad about the loss of someone with whom she had been closed in high school (40 years ago), but had not considered it her responsibility to send money to long-ago friends.

 

I guess my point (finally) is that our wives may handle these situations and solicitations differently from each other.  The irony here, however, is that my wife sends $10 checks monthly to every damn charity that gets her name on a sucker list.  It makes for a sizable tax writeoff at the end of the year, but it's practice that irks me.

 

--Ray B



#9 1PPCLI

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Posted 04 August 2013 - 09:48 PM

Martin

Ray has given you excellent advice. Your wife and yourself have to be firm in saying no. I have in the past supported neices going through university, but to ensure the money was being used for the purposes stated, I would remit direct to the institution and demand to see a copy of the grades. I will not give monetary support, unless I can control who the ultimate recipent is, so if it is a hospital bill, it goes directly to the hospital, no middleman as such.

Luckily for me, my wife deflects most of the requests, in so much, I never hear about them. The ones I hear about, we discuss, and usually help out, but if I want to give a 100, she'll say no, make it 50. Of course, her parents have unlimited support from us, if needed, though they never ask.

When we got married, the numbers of her friends lessened, as she weeded out the ones who asked for money. Then we moved, and as she made friends here, most were married to other Kanos or is it Canuakos?

Just hope everything works out on this for you and her family.

Enjoy what is left of the long weekend.

#10 JLW36

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Posted 05 August 2013 - 07:58 AM

This also happens or will happens even wife is already here. Usually friends would email to borrow some money and tells you that she will pay you back or just will just give the payment back to your siblings or family in the Philippines. Duh, someone never even pay us back the $350.00 he loaned from us 4 years ago and only lives about 10 miles from us. But sometimes depends to where you live or what kinda of neighborhood you live at in the Philippines but sometimes keeping a low profile or not showing off too much will work.

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#11 tipmart87

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Posted 08 August 2013 - 01:40 AM

It never stops as Ray has pointed out.  My wife (been here over 4 years) has(d) friends on facebook whom she has not seen for years and from her school days asking to send them money for various reasons.  Thankfully she has gotten weary of this and now has no problem in just de-friending them


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#12 melody

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Posted 10 August 2013 - 06:39 PM

Can i borrow some money too Martin D.? :lol:

 

It's sad to know that because of family,relatives,close friends and even neighbours one is forced to move condo or place to prevent them asking money and money all over again. And if you can't help someone,you are a kuripot pinay and kano...they could feel bad and hate you at the end.

 

What happens most of the time is.........once we are getting involved with a foreign man/husband most of pinays tend to be proud and could mistake to give any people the impression of having some more in life....new clothing to wear, some parties with friends,some beers to the drunkards neigbours etc . We begin to show-off giving others feeling that we have some more money to spend.We don't even think that small favor being asked by those persons are then being followed by bigger one (like any part of the world). Too hard to say No in your part and you are being viewed as the one who changed actitud towards them.

 

In my own experience...it was my mom who recieved more demands from relatives and neighbours but i told my mom to inform them my contact address and my telephone no. to give me all the faults in the word saying NO to them knowing most of them are just taking advantage. So far for several years no one still has the courage to pick-up the phone or send me email to borrow some money. The time when i met my hubby and came back to visit me, only few gave me the feeling of having something to ask, i then said to them " i'm just a beginner knowing my man and i start to recieve a bucket of request huh....do you see....i still have my old shoes and modest poor dress... no money yet to buy a swatch watch nor some jewelries." Thanks God my friends never asked me big amount of money just once and i told them directly, "if you are not in a due date to pay,credits are not for you anymore and don't think of asking2x me often because i'm not lying all the day in a bed of roses." Believe me no friends of mine never ever asked me for gifts nor to send something for them. It was me asking me what they want for a gift if i have some extra money here. They always reply, " it's up to you,what you can afford to give for as long as it is heartily given when you can." 

 

As for me, if we and you are known being a modest person in the way we live  and we are firm from the start to  every words we say , most people hardly approach you for just money alone. IMO


Edited by melody, 11 August 2013 - 04:22 PM.

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#13 sweet_glaidola

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Posted 25 August 2013 - 07:59 PM

OMG, after reading this thread it reminded me of one of the teacher there in my town. I just visited my family 3 weeks ago and this teacher really annoyed me. She kept sending text messages to my mom to ask me if it's okay to lend money from me or from my mom also. My mom was the one who felt ashamed because she always told her sorry we can't do it. No matter how my mom refused it she still keep sending text messages until my mom had enough she changed her contact number. Sure enough the teacher's daughter went to our house and handed a letter to my mom asking the same request. "Can I borrow money?"... every little bills they had she always asked my mom.... how crazy is that?

#14 melody

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Posted 26 August 2013 - 06:03 PM

OMG, after reading this thread it reminded me of one of the teacher there in my town. I just visited my family 3 weeks ago and this teacher really annoyed me. She kept sending text messages to my mom to ask me if it's okay to lend money from me or from my mom also. My mom was the one who felt ashamed because she always told her sorry we can't do it. No matter how my mom refused it she still keep sending text messages until my mom had enough she changed her contact number. Sure enough the teacher's daughter went to our house and handed a letter to my mom asking the same request. "Can I borrow money?"... every little bills they had she always asked my mom.... how crazy is that?

 

OMG.. i thought i never heard about people like them in our country.. Your  experience with your mom somewhat laughable for me. Are they not ashame to do that?


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#15 kalamputi

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Posted 14 September 2013 - 08:37 PM

I'm thankful my wife is on the same page as me with regard to money. Fortunately, there have been very few overt requests since she arrived over a year ago- and only from immediate family. My only beef-and maybe I'll get over it eventually- is that I'm 99% certain that whatever money ($100 at a time, when we can) we send, her mother has clearly shared with her sister and others and not used it exclusively on herself and her daughter (my wife's sister) who has recently graduated from college and makes diddly squat working in the city. If I could be certain that is was immediate family, I would likely send it more frequently but knowing more about her mother's financial and living situation in Cebu, I know this is a pipe dream and that therefore I'll either get used to or not. I suppose I would do the same in her shoes so I can't really fault her-and you certainly can't go around telling the recipient of your largesse what to spend the money on. And prices there are always higher than I would normally think. Factor in one trip to the hospital for a checkup and x-ray and before you know it the money's been used up...where did it go? Didn't we just send her some money?

 

Having thanked my lucky stars, I do wonder when and if we can build a house there and move permanently, will the requests from relatives start to flood in? I like to think not but proximity surely has some pitfalls, as people have shown. Fritz has good advice and becoming hard-faced is something I would need to work on in preparation for such a move. So far it's been a simple matter from 8000 miles away but what if they're in your sala with hat in hand? For that I think I'm going to rely on my sweet-looking but tough-ish Pinay wife to say no for me.







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